Seeking Emotional Security for Spiritual Growth

Along the Healing Journey

My journey, of intimacy with God and spiritual growth, like everyone else’s has been fraught with challenges on multiple levels. While our particular difficulties may vary, one thing remains. Life can be hard. Jesus discussed this with his disciples in John 15 and 16. He summed it up when he said: “In this world you will have affliction, but be of good courage, for I have overcome the world.” While life can prove difficult, it is also worth living. Jesus came that we might have life in its fullness¹.

Our Helper and Counselor

One thing that that has accompanied my walk with God has been the ongoing ever evolving aspect of emotional healing . Getting help wasn’t always as readily available as it is today. Counseling wasn’t viewed favorably either. In many circles, especially Christian circles, it was even frowned upon. “All you need is Jesus!” with the insinuation that you were doing something wrong, was the mantra of the opposed. I disagree. In fact, I believe emotional healing has been the focused effort of Holy Spirit throughout this current Hebraic century. (more on this topic in future posts)

Jesus made it clear that he was going away, and the Father would send another helper. That helper is Holy Spirit.

‘I assure you and most solemnly say to you, anyone who believes in Me [as Savior] will also do the things that I do; and he will do even greater things than these [in extent and outreach], because I am going to the Father. And I will do whatever you ask in My name [ as My representative], this I will do, so that the Father may be glorified and celebrated in the Son. If you ask Me anything in My name [as My representative], I will do it. “If you [really] love Me, you will keep and obey My commandments. And I will ask the Father, and He will give you another Helper (Comforter, Advocate, Intercessor—Counselor, Strengthener, Standby), to be with you forever— the Spirit of Truth, whom the world cannot receive [and take to its heart] because it does not see Him or know Him, but you know Him because He (the Holy Spirit) remains with you continually and will be in you. ‘ John 14:12-17 AMP

Holy Spirit’s Work

Throughout my life, Holy Spirit has led me on a journey of emotional healing and spiritual maturing. Holy Spirit’s work is internal. As Jesus said, “…He will be in you.” Holy Spirit’s job is to lead and guide. It is also His job to counsel and comfort.

In the midst of my attempting to cope with an abusive alcoholic and unfaithful spouse, as counselor, Holy Spirit led me to seek professional help. He led me to a secular counselor. That was in the early 1990’s. To this day, I am grateful to her for her insight and wise and gracious counsel. It changed my life and set the course of my healing journey. I have Holy Spirit to thank for that.

Jesus said we are to love one another

Alas, that doesn’t always happen. News reports tell of sexual victimization in churches. But, we don’t usually hear the stories of the overly legalistic church that uses guilt to control and manipulate. We go to church expecting to be safely cocooned in a sacred space. Yet, in many cases, people’s experiences.

In 1991, a landmark book was released: The Subtle Power of Spiritual Abuse, by David Johnson and Jeff VanVonderen. Once I cracked open that book, I couldn’t put it down. I think I highlighted something on every page. I ended up learning as much about myself as I did about the dysfunction around me. I’m not proud to admit it, but I learned I had become a product of my environment. I was confronted with my insecurities, and how I responded to them. Yikes, something had to change.

That was when I made a decision. That’s not who I wanted to be. I didn’t want to control others. I knew in my heart I wanted what was best for others. Yet, I had to realize that I didn’t always know what that was. I had to let go of thinking I was right (all the time). But having grown up in a volatile environment, I was crippled by fear and suffered from low self esteem and poor self image. I decided I not only wanted to be free from that bondage, I wanted to see my family free as well. That would mean I had to change. Counseling helped. Getting educated on dysfunction helped. Trusting Holy Spirit to lead me through the dark labyrinth of my soul wasn’t easy. But it was worth it. I’m not who I used to be. I learned how to live differently.

A Bit About Spiritual Abuse

The impact of spiritual abuse doesn’t just affect one individual. It can undermine whole families and entire congregations. It’s like a permeating virus. It infects everything it comes in contact with. (Remember Jesus said, “Beware of the leaven of the Pharisees.”) Holy Spirit began to show me that if I wanted to stop the spread of this virulent strain, I had to first get treated myself.

Toxic Abuse or Grace by Faith

Spiritual abuse is a dangerously toxic poison. Fortunately, the more we seek our own emotional healing the less likely we are to be affected by or spread any form of spiritual abuse.

The more we can receive God’s grace, the more we can extend that grace to others. Emotional damage in our lives interferes with our ability to receive the grace of our Lord Jesus Christ. In turn, unhealed emotional damage tends to continue the damage. It’s the old adage: hurt people, hurt people.

The Way I See It

I see spiritual abuse as an offshoot of emotional abuse. Emotional abuse is when someone uses words and other subtle behavior to gain power and control over another person. It is also known as mental or psychological abuse. When we are the recipient of emotional abuse it often leads to having a negative self-image and poor self confidence. From that wounded perspective we question our own judgment. Abusers see this as a weakness to be exploited. The abuser will seek out those with self image issues because they can be more easily manipulated.

Emotional and spiritual abusers seek to control, and manipulate to get their way. Spiritual abuse happens when someone uses spiritual or religious beliefs to ensnare others through the use of legalism, guilt, and shame to hurt, scare or control others.

Bullies are in every sector of society, including the church. Spiritual abuser use tactics like manipulation, intimidation or judgment, shame and ridicule to keep people under their control.

While we may not be in a position to change the environment, we are in control of our involvement and participation in it. We can create our own emotionally and spiritually safe environments. We may need to gain new skills to achieve this but we can do it.

A Safe Environment

An emotionally safe environment is crucial for fostering trust, personal growth, and spiritual development. A safe environment allows people to express their thoughts and feelings without fear of harsh judgment or ridicule. Safe people encourage vulnerability and authenticity in others. Safety promotes healthy relationships and emotional well-being, as individuals feel supported and valued.

In emotionally safe spaces, conflicts can be addressed constructively, and accountability is upheld. This creates a culture of respect and understanding, rather than a culture of suspicion and resentment. Ultimately, emotional safety creates a space which allows individuals to be nurtured, encouraging them to thrive mentally, emotionally, and spiritually.

Trusting God, when the people in our lives haven’t been safe isn’t easy. Trust is earned, it is not given. It cannot be demanded. Only within the context of an emotionally, physically and spiritually safe environment should we consider extending our trust. When we trust others without first proving their character, we can end up greatly disappointed, being taken advantage of or worse. This doesn’t mean we need to be suspicious of everyone. It does mean that we should use wisdom in dispensing it.

Characteristics of an Emotionally Safe Environment

1. Open Communication
   Spaces where individuals feel free to express their thoughts and feelings without fear of judgment or ridicule.
2. Respect for Boundaries
   An understanding and honoring of personal limits concerning space, privacy, and emotional availability.
3. Supportive Responses
   Empathy, validation, and support are offered in response to vulnerability rather than criticism or dismissiveness.
4. Constructive Conflict Resolution
   Disagreements are handled with focus on resolution and understanding rather than hostility.
5. Encouragement of Growth
   A collective effort to promote personal and collective growth, free from the fear of failure.
6. Accountability
   Individuals take responsibility for their actions and words, acknowledging mistakes and learning from them.
7. Non-Judgmental Attitude
   Acceptance of each other’s differences and personal journeys fosters safety and belonging.
8. Confidentiality
   Sensitive information shared is kept private, building trust among individuals.
9. Celebration of Diversity
   An embrace of diverse thoughts, backgrounds, and experiences that promotes richer understanding.
10. Positive and Uplifting Culture
    Cultivation of positivity and encouragement, where individuals uplift one another and contribute to a culture of support and kindness.

My Experience

I used to belong to a church in which the leadership demanded trust and respect without having earned it. My family experience was similar. It’s probably the reason I ended up in a church with the same kind of abusively dysfunctional trademarks. It was familiar. It wasn’t safe. It was just what I was used to. I knew how to manage my way through it. I didn’t thrive. But I endured it because it was all I had ever known.

But then something happened.

I began to realize that I was dealing with the same behavior and manipulative tactics from certain leadership at church that I was experiencing within my family. I knew something had to change. I not only had to change my perspective, I had to change my involvement.

When I changed, the tide turned. It has been turning ever since. I realized that just because someone was in a position of authority it didn’t mean they were safe. I learned that in order for someone to be trusted, they had to prove themselves to be trustworthy. I couldn’t just expect them to be trustworthy. They actually had to show themselves to be safe when I revealed my authentic self. I couldn’t make excuses for their behavior. If they didn’t respect boundaries, or keep confidence or offer empathic support, they were identified as being unsafe individuals.

I learned that I had to reframe my perspective and rephrase my dialog.

I was allowing the burden of proof to be solely on me. As long as I saw trusting someone as something I had to work at, I was the one in the wrong rather than the one displaying inappropriate behavior.

When I learned that trust was something someone had to earn, the burden of proof shifted. Then, I wasn’t struggling to trust the unsafe person. They were showing their unsafe character through their behavior.

I changed my dialog. Rather than saying, “I don’t trust so and so.” I started saying, “So and so isn’t trustworthy.” That was a huge shift for me. It meant I no longer tolerated allowing myself to be manipulated with guilt, condemnation, shame or coercion.

Gaslighting someone isn’t okay

I was always being told, by the abusers in my life, that I was the one with the problem because I refused to trust them. The reality was that those people were the ones gaslighting² me.

My parents were emotionally immature. They both suffered from untreated childhood trauma. As a result, they often resorted to intimidation, shame, criticism and coercion to get their way. They were not emotionally safe people. They would often respond to other people’s authenticity with criticism to offset their own insecurities. They were emotionally damaged. When I learned how to set boundaries with them, I was free to engage with them without getting caught up in their dysfunction.

Yet, growing up in that environment established insecurity in my life. I didn’t feel safe around other people. It seemed every time I allowed myself to be vulnerable and share my inner life, I was met with shame, ridicule or criticism.

I had to learn not only how to share my inner life appropriately but with people who were proven to be safe. Now the other person had the burden of proof. I also had to learn to stop sharing with people who proved themselves to be unsafe. That wasn’t easy. Abusers typically pump for information. They dig for the juicy tidbits of our inner life. What they are doing is gathering ammunition to use on us later. That isn’t paranoia, it’s just the way abusers operate.

I learned by experience that God could be trusted.

There is one thing I’ve learned over the sixty some years of walking in communion with God; I can put my trust in God, no matter the circumstances. But I didn’t start out trusting God. And learning to trust God wasn’t easy. But I did learn over time that God carried me through great difficulty. I learned I could trust Him because He proved Himself over and over.

When my kids were all hooked on drugs and not living the God centered life I raised them in, I had to learn how to trust God with their lives. When my fiancé died less than a week after he proposed, I had to learn how to trust God even though I was heartbroken. When I couldn’t function due to the chronic, unrelenting symptoms of not being able to breathe, think or cope, again, I had to learn that God could be trusted. God has proven Himself to be trustworthy.

Trust must be built.

Trust is earned, not given. Trust is a feeling of confidence in another person’s integrity, honesty, or reliability. It is earned through a person’s repeated actions and behaviors. It is established over time. To trust someone we’ve just met is not wise.

Even if someone has a reputation of being honest and reliable, we still need to dish out our trust only once their true character has been established. I didn’t just trust God because the bible says He is trustworthy. I learned that God could be trusted because of how He showed up in my life. He always showed up with grace, empathic compassion, comfort and understanding. The more I learned about God’s nature on my own, the less I accepted someone else’s altered version. The more I experienced the love of God for myself, the less I accepted the mindset of an angry God waiting to punish me. God was teaching me about His grace, His mercy and His loving compassion.

I had to grow in His Grace

When I was sophomore in high school, my mom entered a second marriage and moved out of state. I was angry with God. I felt abandoned. My mom had only recently become a Christian. I not only felt like I lost my mom, I felt betrayed by God. It was hard for me to trust the people in my life, because I came from a family of abusers. I didn’t the people in my life and that extended to not trusting God to not abandon me as well.

When my father and my mother forsake me, Then the Lord will take care of me. Psalms 27:10 NKJV

Only through ongoing relationship

I had to learn on my own that God could be trusted, despite my parents sometimes abusive behavior. Through the consistency of spending time in devotional prayer and deepening my understanding of the word of God, a loving and trustworthy relationship with God was built.

God earned my trust by always showing up for me like a loving and concerned parent. He did not criticize me, shame me or ridicule me. He lovingly showed me when I was in error. He never treated me like I didn’t matter. Even when I didn’t show up for Him the same way. When I was out doing my own thing, He lovingly drew me to Himself with His great love. When I made really bad decisions in my life, He received me with open arms and loving restoration.

I had to learn that God was not an extension of my abusive family.

“You’re just going to have to trust me.” That was something I heard from the self centered, emotionally immature, gaslighters in my life. My family used tactics of intimidation, ridicule, shame and criticism to manipulate. Powering up over one another rather than displaying an empathic approach to building each other up was the norm.

Finding Safe People or a Safe Environment isn’t Always Easy

Just because someone claims to be safe, doesn’t mean they are. Just because someone professes to be a Christian doesn’t mean they live like one. Just because someone goes to church doesn’t mean they have your best interest in mind. Remember, Jesus understood this when He sent the disciples out in the world. He cautioned them about the religious leaders.

‘And with all the people listening, He said to His disciples, “Beware of the scribes, who like to walk around in long robes [displaying their prominence], and love respectful greetings in the [crowded] market places, and chief seats in the synagogues and places of honor at banquets. These [men] who confiscate and devour widows’ houses, and for a pretense [to appear devout] offer long prayers. These [men] will receive the greater [sentence of] condemnation.”’ Luke 20:45-47 AMP

“Stay alert. This is hazardous work I’m assigning you. You’re going to be like sheep running through a wolf pack, so don’t call attention to yourselves. Be as shrewd as a snake, inoffensive as a dove.” Matthew 10:16 TPT

It would be great if every church was a safe environment. Unfortunately, they aren’t. It was be wonderful if everyone who professes to be a Christian acted in a loving empathic manner. They don’t. None of us are perfect. We are all a work in progress.

Emotionally safe environments foster spiritual safety. Spiritual safety fosters spiritual maturity.

Fostering emotional and spiritual wellness involves creating a balanced environment that encourages self-reflection, open communication, and supportive relationships.

We must begin by prioritizing self-care practices, such as mindfulness and meditation, which help in managing stress and enhancing self-awareness.

Surrounding ourselves with individuals who uplift and validate our feelings. We need to reserve sharing our vulnerability with those who encourage our authenticity with belonging and connection.

Engage in regular spiritual practices. This might include prayer, meditation, or something else that nurtures our soul and deepens our understanding of purpose.

Additionally, we need to set healthy boundaries to protect our emotional space while seeking opportunities for growth and learning.

Embrace gratitude and positivity in daily life. Focusing on gratitude helps to cultivate a resilient mindset, leading to an overall sense of well-being. Only when we have a healthy balanced emotional life can we extend that to others.

Sometimes we need a bit of help when it comes to identifying a safe environment. Creating and finding a safe environment is crucial for our personal growth, healing, and fostering healthy relationships.

Identifying an emotionally safe environment takes time and observation. Trust your instincts and prioritize your own well-being. In safe spaces, you will find the acceptance and support you need to thrive emotionally, mentally, and spiritually.

Wrapping it Up

Trusting in God, alongside surrounding ourselves with emotionally safe people, lays the foundation for a fulfilling and resilient life. Finding and fostering an emotionally safe environment is essential for personal growth and building trust in relationships. It’s essential for spiritual health and development.

Through open and safe communication, mutual respect for boundaries, and supportive interactions, we can create spaces where vulnerability is welcomed and growth is encouraged.

Recognizing the signs of emotional safety allows us to discern which environments are truly facilitating our overall well-being.

Ultimately, nurturing these safe spaces, along with developing a strong spiritual relationship with God, empowers us to thrive and navigate life’s challenges with confidence, knowing that we are supported and valued.

A Look in the Mirror

As you reflect on your own journey toward emotional and spiritual wellness, consider taking proactive steps to create and nurture emotionally safe environments in your life and community. Begin by evaluating your relationships and surrounding yourself with individuals who uplift and encourage you. Engage in open conversations and practice active listening, allowing yourself to be vulnerable in safe spaces.

Remember, trusting God is a continual journey that flourishes alongside your efforts to build supportive relationships. Commit to ongoing personal growth by setting healthy boundaries and seeking out resources that foster healing and understanding.

Together, let’s cultivate a culture of empathy and grace, ensuring that we become safe havens for one another in our pursuit of spiritual maturity and emotional safety.

Take the first step today—reach out to someone in your life, share your thoughts, and encourage them to do the same. Your actions can ignite a ripple effect of healing and transformation in your community.

1. ‘The thief comes only in order to steal, kill, and destroy. I have come in order that you might have life—life in all its fullness.’ John 10:10
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